All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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