i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
