The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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