I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Did I show you my penis last night?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
