Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
