You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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