Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
