my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's shark week go big or go home
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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