this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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