Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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