Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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