Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
