wanna go halves on a baby?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
