overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
