i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
