Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
