Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
