i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
third nipple confirmed
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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