Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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