I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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