I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
