i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
