If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize