peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
