Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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