He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
