He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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