god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
