those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
