Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
