just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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