he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Houston, we have a blender
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
