ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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