Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
i believe in u and ur pee
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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