If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
