Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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