i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
