and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
So many bounce houses so little time
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
