the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
