I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
