dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
there is glitter all over my balls
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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