it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
