It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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