Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I supernannyed him into submission
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
