I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
