I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
