:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
