I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
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... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
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I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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