A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
What a fucking waste of an outfit
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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