Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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