i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
