Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
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