I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
