he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
