I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
