I wanna bring you to show and tell
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
